Alternate Self: Full Contiguous Storyline

This document contains the primary narrative of the musical project Alternate Self. It presents the story as it unfolds through each track, following the narrator’s experiences, decisions, conflicts, and changing understanding of themselves over time. Its purpose is to show what happens from within the story rather than immediately explaining what those events represent. Characters, locations, objects, and conflicts are treated as real within the narrative, allowing the emotional and psychological progression to develop naturally.

Because of this, the narrator is not always correct about what is happening. Their beliefs, interpretations, and decisions reflect what they understand and feel at that particular moment in the story. Some meanings are only understood later, while others may remain uncertain entirely. The Contiguous Story therefore prioritizes the immediate experience: what the narrator does, what they believe, what they feel, and how one event gradually leads into the next.

See the Interpreted Story for a deeper analysis on what is happening in the moment and in the larger story.

SERIES 0: Heart

The Self: Fueled by Authenticity

A promise to remain moral and authentic that gets tested by reality.

Series 0 is not an official series. There is a lot of music from this era, but none of it forms a cohesive story. It is mostly just a boy trying to find his place in the world and where he thrives. All you need to know is that here, he chooses to be good. He chooses to side with morality.

But others around him don’t agree and constantly put him to the test with his ideas. This plants the seed of not playing by the rules and not helping others, explored in the “Strange Deeds LP,” an album made during this time.

With time, he can only seem to obtain a glimmer of success within achievement, but none at all within connection. He grows tired of living as a nobody, of not making a name for himself, of having nobody guard his back, of the monotony of his current life. So he embraces the idea of going down a new road - taking both good and evil in order to build a better life.

Staying true to himself, but allowing deals with the devil if necessary.

But he still sides with morality. He truly wants to be good, through every sense of the word, and he will do everything he can to make sure he stays that way. No promises, this is only a starting point, but one made on noble ground nonetheless.

This choice is a gamble, but it’s my only play.

ARC 1

SERIES 1: Noble

The Navigator: Fueled by Selflessness

A tale of how selflessness becomes corroded through the harshness of reality.

PURSUIT OF THE CROWN

01 - The Shimmer

You are inspired. The feeling of realizing true potential and the determinedness to act upon it. It is the beginning of a new beginning.

But this is a fundamentally flawed choice. It is the beginning of the Alternate Self cycle, the idea of changing who you are, becoming somebody else, and making an enemy out of integrity until you get what you want. This is the beginning of the delusion… and it feels like there is no other choice. You are no longer yourself: you are the Navigator.

At first, this doesn’t feel like a betrayal of yourself. It doesn’t feel like insecurity. It feels like finally becoming capable of being the person you always wanted to be. You still believe your intentions are good, still want to help people, and still believe you are choosing the right thing. The difference is that you no longer trust yourself to do it as you are.

I craft and wear the Arsenic Amulet and embrace the paradoxical nature of who I was, who I am, and who I am going to become.

02 - Coming to Terms

The overwhelming feeling of inspiration has worn off. There are two paths after this: you forget about the inspiration, or you remain bent on action. There’s also justification behind choosing this flawed path, claiming to “work on oneself” to become better in every way in an attempt to obtain desires, but also to simply become superior.

The more you think about it, the easier it becomes to convince yourself that changing yourself is not the same as abandoning yourself. You aren’t trying to become worse, you’re trying to become capable of doing what you already believe is right. If becoming stronger, smarter, or more successful makes you better able to help yourself and others, then what could possibly be wrong with that?

03 - Journey to the Summit

You start dreaming while working towards what you want. All the potential adventures to explore down this inspired path. Although you haven’t fully committed to this action, you still catch yourself dreaming about it often, and that makes the choice quite compelling. Even if it initially feels wrong, you can’t really justify why, and the promise of success is too powerful to pass up after years of only failure.

The more you imagine what could happen, the less important the discomfort becomes. You can picture yourself finally being capable of making a difference, finally being respected, and finally having the ability to act instead of simply hoping things will improve. The fact that you have to become someone else to get there bothers you less each time you think about it.

04 - Not Sure

But there are still factors at play that prevent you from choosing, which doesn’t make the choice easy in the slightest. You feel like you have failed before you’ve even started. And you are absolutely sick of failure.

So, you take a chance, throw everything you know out the window, and begin a new adventure… down a road much more violent than expected.

That being said, you expected difficulty. You did not, however, expect to feel this different. The things that once seemed obviously wrong now require consideration, and the things you once considered necessary suddenly seem naive. You keep moving anyway, because admitting that you made the wrong choice would mean admitting that the version of yourself who made it was wrong too, and you’re not really sure what the right choice is anyway.. Because what’s the alternative? Keep suffering for an indefinite amount of time or choose something new to experiment with? You don’t yet realize that there are many other options.

05 - Crownbound

You are getting results, and that makes everything easier to justify. If you were becoming worse and getting nowhere, you could at least recognize the mistake. Instead, every success seems to prove that the person you are becoming is necessary and better than the version you left behind.

You know you have a long way to go, but you’ve made a lot of progress thus far, and you remain steadfast in your choice. Your life is getting better and the lives of others around you are too. The happiness of pursuit lives through you and the second thoughts begin to fade away, slowly justifying your inauthentic actions to a version of yourself that no longer exists.

06 - Losing It

But this feeling doesn’t last, and you are soon met with the realization that this adventure is far more complicated than you previously thought. There are many trails, some clear, some dangerous, some productive, some ambiguous, and you have no idea how to identify which is which because you sacrificed your own judgment to get here. You continue on, but much wearier than before.

You begin missing the simplicity of the person you used to be. Back then, there were things you simply would not do. Now, every decision has a justification, and you are becoming increasingly good at finding one, even if there shouldn’t be one. You don’t think of this as losing your morality, you think of it as becoming realistic.

But you never consider getting off the path. The success you have already tasted is more than compelling enough to continue. You finally feel alive after years of feeling worthless, and that motivates you through the struggle. You finally have a purpose, even if inauthentic. This suffering will be paid off in the future. You ignore the skepticism and uncertainty and instead start searching for answers.

07 - Need Answers

The feeling of a lack of clarity looms in your mind. Insecurity begins to rise to the surface. You begin to question your every move, unsure of if anything you do is getting you closer to where you want to be. Because you are improving yourself and strengthening relationships, while also losing your empathy and morality because it’s not based on authenticity, it’s based on results. You become more and more of a narcissist to which your concern slowly fades. Instead of getting off the path, you begin to seek these answers out directly, digging deeper into this hole you dug out of desperation.

If you are becoming more successful while becoming less compassionate, which part of this process is actually making you better? You don’t know anymore. You still want to believe that you are doing all of this for a reason, but the original reason is becoming increasingly difficult to see beneath everything you have done to reach it.

Instead of questioning whether the path itself is wrong, you question whether you have understood it correctly. Maybe there is some explanation you are missing. Maybe there is some final piece of knowledge that will make all of this make sense.

08 - Clarity

And after searching, you obtain this sought after sense of clarity, and your insecurity vanishes. Many of your preconceived notions were approved, but many were proven wrong as well. Regardless, you understand the game. If your priority is results, empathy is a waste of time, morality will hold you back, and the world is fundamentally evil and self centered, so it is in your best self interest to act that way as well. After all, the only way to win the game is to play by its rules.

The contradictions start disappearing. You no longer have to wonder why acting the way you do makes you feel worse. You simply accept that feeling worse is the price of winning… eventually. The morality you once treated as a foundation becomes an obstacle you can work around. You don’t have to wonder whether you are still the person you wanted to be. You can simply become the person the world rewards. After all, what’s so wrong with that? If being good prevents you from being happy, why would you not choose yourself over being good?

With this new level of understanding, all that’s left is to play the game.

09 - His Name Was Caesar

So you play. This adventure is much harsher than you expected, but you adapted. People start to notice that you aren’t who you say you are, and they begin cutting ties. Instead of reflecting, you reinterpret it as them betraying you and fully embrace it. You become the thing you swore to never become, and you play with a knife in your hand and an imaginary knife in your back. Human connection no longer exists and you become tunnel-visioned on becoming the best possible version of yourself. Your original goals reach their true form: more.

Helping people no longer matters and you become accustomed to choosing yourself first. Eventually, choosing yourself stops feeling like a choice at all, it just becomes the only logical conclusion. Even so, you still remember the person you wanted to be. You just no longer recognize them as someone who knew what they were doing. And you couldn’t tolerate that uncertainty, so you buried it underneath a completely inauthentic self to manufacture security.

10 - Legacy

And because of your ruthlessness, you achieve the heights. The crown belongs to you. In your eyes, you ventured a path of creation and growth, building your Legacy, but to everyone else, it is a wake of destruction, anger, and ego. You achieved everything you wanted. And you couldn’t possibly be unhappier.

Looking back, you can barely accurately understand how you got here. You thought becoming better would make you happier. You thought success would make the sacrifices worthwhile. Instead, you became increasingly detached from the very values that made the goal worth pursuing in the first place.

The crown is real and atop your head. The Legacy is real and it is who you are now. The success is real and you have become much more capable. But you lost the relationships you did all of this to improve. You allowed selfishness to thrive in the name of selflessness. And now you sit atop a throne with piles of gold at your side, but it’s silent in here. Everyone is gone. And yet, your Legacy inspires Shimmers anew.

The Shimmer (Altered)

You begin to reflect on the promise you made and how it seems you only failed because of others since everything else got better. You knew what you wanted and were willing to do what it took to get there, but everyone else either fell short, disagreed, or flat out betrayed you. They put your goals down, intentionally or not, because apparently your way wasn’t good enough. You wish you knew how to solve this, but it doesn’t matter now.

You still cannot accept that the problem began with you. If it all ended badly, then someone must have prevented it from becoming what it was supposed to be. But look around. You have almost everything. Why would you take responsibility? You won.

His Name Was Caesar (Altered)

And eventually it hits you: you’re going to do as much as you possibly can to be better, regardless of what others think. To be stronger, smarter, and better because it is in your best interest to do so. If they truly hate who you are, you are going to give them a reason. You remember every single word they said and you can feel the fire igniting in your soul. They will not stop you again.

This time, you don’t bother pretending that becoming better and becoming yourself are the same thing. You know exactly what you are choosing. You have voluntarily become a traitor to your own self. This choice is a gamble, but it’s your only play.

SERIES 2: Brawn

The Traitor: Fueled by Strength

A complete mental breakdown caused by discovering that strength cannot replace connection.

No Way Around

Though you may wish it were different, these are the cards you have been dealt. There is no way around. If you want to get what you want, you must be stronger, you must be smarter, and you must be better than the competition. If you want to be in the top 1%, you have to be better than the other 99%. So you pick up your pride (you’re going to need it) and enter this abyss.

You have convinced yourself that this path is inevitable because the alternative is admitting you chose it. And if you chose it, you are responsible for everything that follows. So instead, you drown the choice in necessity and walk forward telling yourself your hands are tied, refusing to admit they are not.

Avoidant Attachment

As the last bit of genuine empathy departs from your intuition, you inhale a breath of freedom as others no longer control you. You can’t believe how stupid you used to be, bending over backwards so that they could be happy and you could suffer in silence. No longer will you accept them until they are good enough.

If only you could defeat your own human nature. You already know this is unwinnable. You are declaring war on something built into you, and some part of you knows it, yet you go to war anyway. The freedom you feel is enough to ignore the eventual cost of the choice you’re making.

INDIVIDUALITY OVERRIDES ALL

01 - Permanently Young

Nothing matters at all. You embrace the idea of doing whatever you want, whenever you want, unknowingly still carrying the guilt of previous betrayals. You are aware that others perceive you as immensely immature, but this does not concern you. Nobody else matters. Individuality overrides all, including them.

And you believe it. At least, you believe it enough to act like it. You still love the snow. You still chase rainbows. You are stuck in a meadow of your own making and calling it freedom. The guilt travels with you whether you acknowledge it or not. You are not as free as you feel. You have simply become very good at ignoring how you truly feel.

02 - Do I Need to Explain Myself?

Despite how desperately you will deny this, you still care about others. Your frustration with being unable to obtain any semblance of human connection despite what you sacrificed (or perhaps because you sacrificed) for it is the only thing truly on your mind. So you cover it up with a mask: you are superior. This is not your fault. You are the prodigy. They couldn’t possibly understand. If they cannot understand you, they cannot hurt you.

But the mask is exhausting to maintain. Every declaration of sovereignty gets countered by your insecurity, only to immediately get buried. Being the prodigy isn’t arrogance, it’s necessity. Without your belief in superiority, your insecurities take full control, and you cannot let that happen.

Then someone comes into your life who doesn’t respond the way others do. They don’t react to the performance. They don’t try to fix you or leave when you push back. They simply remain, matching you in ways you didn’t think were possible, and seeing through the mask without making a point of it. And for some reason, you want them to understand. So you pursue them. You explain yourself more than you ever have because you desperately want them to understand. You tell yourself this is just another challenge. You don’t yet realize that you are asking them to see through the mask you still justify using.

03 - Anthem of the Eccentricity

But this mask slowly turns into a cloak, covering up every last inch of authenticity possibly left exposed on your skin. You are digging your own grave, but in your mind, you couldn’t possibly be rising higher. Because the collection of crowns is only growing. Narcissism and success go hand in hand, as long as you have ambition. If you keep moving upward, you will never have to look at what you left behind.

So you keep moving. The cloak requires constant adjustment, constant performance, and constant inauthenticity. The anthem you are singing is partly a battle cry and partly just distraction so that you can’t hear what’s underneath it. For now, the crowns keep coming and the anthem keeps blaring.

But this person stays. They stay because you keep pursuing them for reasons you don’t really understand, and they let themselves be pursued. They see the performance and remain interested in what exists beneath it. You should be running from that. Instead, you start making room for them. Somewhere beneath all the performance, you begin to believe that maybe you can actually have this. Maybe you were wrong about all of this.

04 - Try Me! (Seriously)

As a result, you become obsessed with being challenged. You want people to push your limits so you can grow and leave behind what no longer works, but also to prove others wrong. Despite having patience towards this person, you are still extraordinarily bitter towards others and afraid of vulnerability because of their betrayals, and this is your only method of communication left. If someone wants to stay in your life, you have to make them prove they deserve to.

So you try it with this person too. You dare them to push back, to fight you, and to give you the familiar dynamic. You expect argument, resistance, and for them to eventually prove that your bitterness is justified. But… they don’t. They simply watch you perform it and stay anyway. And you notice. You tell yourself you shouldn’t, but you start looking for them in rooms. You start making excuses to keep conversations going. You start pursuing something you would never admit you wanted. The challenge was supposed to be whether they could withstand you. You don’t notice when it becomes whether you can let them stay.

For a brief moment, you wonder if this is what it was supposed to feel like all along. You bury the thought immediately. But you don’t stop pursuing them.

05 - Obsessed with Breaking the Rules

Still, in your mind, you no longer care about anyone but yourself, and thus the idea of breaking rules is very appealing. Nobody gives any attention to you unless you’re destroying preconceptions and pissing them off. And you love the attention. You love when people care. But it couldn’t possibly fill the void you have dug in your own heart. Freedom means nobody gets to tell you what you should be, and that you get to decide.

And yet, you just admitted that you love when people care. You didn’t even notice that it goes both ways. The rule-breaking was never about freedom, it was always just about being seen. The void keeps growing because the attention you’re getting is for the performance, not for you. And now someone is looking at you without needing the performance at all.

Some part of you knows the difference, alongside this person. They care about what’s underneath the performance. They don’t need you to be impressive, antagonistic, or impossible. They simply care. And because you actually wanted them there, you let them get closer than you intended. That should scare you more than any rule you’ve ever broken. But you keep going.

06 - Self “Fulfillment”

You have intelligence, respect, awards, riches, ambition, and a hell of a lot of potential, and the one thing you really care about is standing right in front of you. You should finally be happy. And yet, you’re terrified. You’re not supposed to be scared of anything. You try to cope with rage, further fueling your ambition for success in hopes that this terrifying desire will fade eventually. However, no matter how much you push the thought away, it always comes back. You tell yourself that wanting more will eventually make wanting this stop.

It doesn’t. The one thing you really care about is connection. Not admiration, not fear, not respect, but actual human connection, where someone knows you and stays anyway. And you finally found someone you actually want to know you. You pursued them. You convinced them to stay. And for a while, they do. So, terrified and without any reason to blame them, you start looking for reasons that this isn’t enough. You tell yourself they are distracting you, that they don’t fit into the life you want, that something this vulnerable must be costing you something elsewhere. You don’t recognize your own fear, you think you’re just raising your standards out of self respect.

07 - Fueled by Negative Energy

You’re driven by everything that you are driving away from. The worldview you have built is functioning and you don’t know how to stop it, so you don’t. You keep being exactly what you are. If something threatens that worldview, the answer is obvious: remove it. You decide that this person is no longer worth it, that they don’t fit in the life you want to build. You tell yourself that you’re bored, no longer interested, and want to pursue other things. It sounds reasonable. More importantly, it sounds like something you would have said before you ever met them.

So you stop talking to them, and the relationship ends soon after. That is all it takes. There is no betrayal, dramatic confrontation, or final act of cruelty. You simply decide that the person you chose to pursue is suddenly incompatible with the person you have decided you need to become. You spend a long time trying to understand how something you considered so insignificant could possibly end something you cared about so much. You spend an even longer time trying to figure out what you really want. Eventually, unable to accept what you know is true, you double down on your narcissism. You convince yourself there are better people out there, but none as important as yourself.

But you don’t even believe that. You voluntarily destroyed what you knew you wanted, and you will eventually confront that.

08 - Battered, but Not Bruised

So you take the hits, you take thousands of them and always get back up. Because that is now your purpose to distract you from what you just did. To fight until there is nothing left to fight. You are fueled by rage and frustration from being unable to connect with others and having nobody to blame since you were not betrayed. As a result, your fists remain clenched, teeth remain gritted, and heart remains on fire. You are unstoppable. For now. You have lost something, so you turn losing it into another reason to keep fighting.

Don’t jump? Oh, you might. Because you just gave up the one thing you actually wanted to pursue. And the worst part is that you can’t even call it a betrayal. You were the one who left. They didn’t betray you. If anything, you betrayed them. You walked away because you were scared of your worldview being wrong. You know you caused this. You also know you don’t agree with why you did it.

So you reinterpret it as another challenge. You tell yourself that you should be able to move on. That you should be able to find someone else. That losing one person means nothing when you have everything else. You turn the absence into fuel because fuel is easier to process than grief.

09 - Antagonizing Attachment

So, you begin to perceive human connection as the only enemy, distracting you from your true goals and purpose. They will drag you down, which in a sense is true, but in this case, that would be healthy for you. But you’re too bitter to care. There are still knives in your back and you will never forget, even if now the knife in your hand is far more prominent. If attachment is the reason you can be hurt, then attachment must be the problem.

Meanwhile, the world wonders what’s wrong with you and keeps its distance. You tell yourself that you left because this person wasn’t offering what you wanted. Then you tell yourself they stopped trying because they never understood you. Then you tell yourself that they were always going to leave anyway. You keep changing the story because the truth is too simple and too painful. They stayed because you pursued them. They didn’t betray you. It ended because you made the choice to end it. You put the knife in your back. You are a traitor to yourself. But calling attachment the enemy lets you pretend that you were defending yourself instead of destroying something.

10 - Not Afraid to be Cruel

Continuing down this path, you begin the degradation of all your morals and ethics. You embrace the idea of becoming the villain, and you yearn for that kind of power and fear. You allow yourself to become a horrible, selfish, and destructive human being. You will no longer simply fight competitors, anyone who stands in your way is a potential victim of your wrath. If caring makes you weak, then cruelty must make you strong.

You are allowing your rage to consume you. The loss has been converted into fuel like everything else. You are closing yet another door to avoid confronting the idea that you might be wrong. The person is gone, the choice has been made, and now there is nothing left to do except make sure you never have to feel responsible for it again.

You have become what you swore to destroy: a traitor to everyone else.

11 - Brazen

Now that you are so insanely detached from reality, you can see your situation for what it is. There is a fundamental disconnect between how you perceive reality and what it actually is. It’s complicated, because you have become better, you’ve just simultaneously become jaded. For reasons you pretend to not know, you couldn’t connect with others, and you took that personally. You’re different, and whether or not that excuses your actions is a philosophical debate in itself. Because you were made this way, but you also chose this path.

You tell yourself that distinction matters. But you know exactly what happened and just refuse to admit it. You keep going down this path anyway because you don’t know how to stop and because you are not sure there is a version of yourself that exists outside of this. You have become brazen not because you stopped caring, but because caring started feeling indistinguishable from loss, even though your response to that belief guarantees loss, and you just proved it.

You don’t know what the answer is anymore. So you just keep to the path, hoping it will eventually work out.

12 - Doubt Me

You need doubt from others the way you once needed connection from them: as proof that you exist, that you matter, that someone is paying attention. The form has inverted entirely but the need is identical. You have found a way to get the feeling of being seen without the vulnerability of being known. It is the loneliest possible version of what you originally wanted, but it suffices. For now.

This is easier. But you still once pursued the real thing. You convinced yourself you didn’t need it, then lost it over something you won’t admit was stupid. You can spend as much time as you want deciding whether they weren’t right for you or you were wrong to assume that. Either way, they’re gone, and everything you have done since is coping with the fact that you can’t blame anyone but yourself.

So you keep blaming attachment, vulnerability, and even them for not doing enough. You blame yourself only in ways that still allow you to remain angry instead of ways that allow you to reflect. Anything is preferable to admitting that you simply chose to destroy it.

13 - Calluses

But all of these delusions can only last so long. Underneath your cloak, you understand what you truly want, and no amount of success can fill the void. So, without an alternative, you begin to rebel against yourself, keeping the dead skin on your hands as a way to be able to challenge your toughest opponent yet: yourself. This choice is a gamble, but it’s your only play.

This is your fault and you know it. You can reinterpret events as much as you want, but deep down, you know what happened. You still wish they had stayed. You wish you had given them the same opportunity they gave you. You wish you kept pursuing them. But these thoughts get buried immediately. Because admitting what you wanted means admitting that you had it, and then fucked it all up. Admitting it means your worldview is wrong and that you still need to grow, and you’re not ready to believe that.

Connection does not have to end with betrayal. Sometimes you can genuinely want someone, genuinely pursue them, genuinely have them choose you, and still make one stupid choice to end it anyway because you weren’t willing to be honest with yourself or with them. You were given exactly what you knew you wanted. And you chose yourself instead. And you think you’re ready to choose differently.

14 - The Compromise

But your worldview fights back. Hard. It’s clear that this fight is pointless, you have spent so long rationalizing your insane actions that you hardly put up a challenge. You forget all about the person who gave you the opportunity you wanted, as if that experience never happened, therefore cannot prove anything. You are stuck in this cycle you made for yourself. And you don’t know how you feel about that.

The compromise being offered is no compromise. It asks you to again choose the cycle over the thing you actually want. Your internal voice is coaching you back into the only framework it knows even though you know it won’t solve anything. The walls of your personal reality don’t crumble so much as they are revealed to have never existed. This is all an illusion, but that doesn’t make it any easier to change.

So this is not yet change, even if something has changed. You have spent this entire series believing the premise that connection was either impossible, not worth the cost, or actively detrimental. You now know, specifically and irreversibly, that all three of those statements are incorrect. More accurately, it was simply incompatible with what you kept choosing to be. Eventually, you will demand a response that this “compromise” cannot provide. So you begin searching for the truth. This choice is a gamble, but it’s your only play.

SERIES 3: Truth

The Nameless: Fueled by Truth

A story about overcoming conflicting and misguided ideas with a determination to find self and truth.

Dwelling in Darkness

These thoughts remain in your mind for some time. You don’t know how to address them, so you simply sit in quiet and darkness while your mind rages on. You keep circling the same questions without finding an answer, constantly wondering how you ended up here and whether there is even a way back.

Your internal world has begun collapsing and you need to make a change. So you allow yourself to think it through for some time. There is no immediate solution, only the uncomfortable realization that you can no longer ignore what is happening inside of you.

BETWEEN FABRICATED SELVES

01 - Notorious Bitter Traitor

The Traitor remains prevalent in your mind, attempting to guide you further down this selfish path, and partially succeeding. But they sound different now that you understand them. More like a far away calling than the operator they used to be, and more arrogant than you ever heard when they controlled your head.

You can still recognize their voice, but you no longer feel completely owned by it. There is now distance between you and the thoughts they represent. That distance is small, but it is enough for you to realize that you are listening to something rather than being it.

02 - Natural Born Tenacity

So the Traitor does what they does and begins testing others. They force you to sabotage your already fragile relationships to get you back on course all while you’re clawing at the paradigms of reality, desperately fighting for a way out.

You know something is wrong, but understanding that does not make it easy to resist. Part of you still wants the certainty they offer. So you again wake up the idealized version of yourself as a distraction, hoping that another version of you can contain what you are struggling to confront yourself.

03 - None But Troubled

And a long lost friend or foe returns: the Navigator. Your ticket out of this mess. They stand up to the Traitor and your mind turns into an all out war zone when the Navigator agrees to battle the Traitor, and whoever wins, wins forever.

For a moment, there is relief in having someone else take control of the conflict. You have spent so long caught between these ideas that watching them turn against each other feels almost like an answer in itself. If one of them can finally defeat the other, perhaps you will finally know which way you are supposed to live and which way will give you everything you want.

04 - Navigator’s Baseless Trials

Having complete understanding of how the Traitor came to exist, the Navigator spells out the situation for them in a language they can understand. Before they eventually offer to help the Traitor repair their ways and pardon the selfish actions of the Traitor, to which the Traitor immediately loses all respect.

The Traitor loves when people stand up to them and give them a challenge, but the Navigator just pulled back and surrendered. And the Traitor is furious because the offer of forgiveness feels condescending. The Traitor, proven in Series 2, does not want to be understood if understanding means being reduced to something that needs to be fixed. They wanted an opponent who could actually meet him where they were.

05 - Nuclear. Brazen. Truth.

The Traitor wanted a fair fight, not to be pitied for having a different perspective. They double down on their ways and the war between the two resumes. Just like the Navigator, the Traitor brings to light everything they overcame and everything they earned from their worldview as a way to defend it rather than reflect on it.

It becomes increasingly obvious that neither side is actually listening. They are defending themselves, defending the identities they have built, and trying to prove that the other is wrong. There is no resolution coming from this. Neither of them contain the correct way to live, neither of them can give you everything you want. So, now seeing them for what they are, I begin to step in and set things right.

06 - Null, Brittle, Two-Faced

After the failed battle, both the Navigator and Traitor have had their egos significantly hurt. They are now fully aware that neither of their ways are practical, but both are too proud to change. But I can change. I created both of them, and I can become someone who can beat them. I have had enough with being their puppet. None of this is what I wanted from the Shimmer, and I just need to find a way out.

For the first time, the question is no longer which version of myself is correct. The question is how I can put my authentic self back in control. This choice is a gamble, but it’s my only play.

07 - Nameless Behind Them

So I enter their world, a long forgotten and irrelevant being from the past, the Self. At first, it is strange returning to this identity. It feels distant, almost like remembering someone I used to know, despite the fact that this person was always me.

Soon, I see something I never thought I would see: the Navigator and Traitor joining forces. They know I’m here, and they are determined to stop me. Because of their desperation to stay in control, I must find a way to become somebody they cannot destroy again.

08 - The Mess

To combat everything the Navigator and Traitor believe, I embrace the idea of uncertainty and inconsistency, of truly being a mess without much understanding. That I don’t really know where I’m going or what I am doing, but I can do my best to figure it out. I am a mess, the “Nameless,” and I have never felt freer through admitting that.

There is relief in finally allowing myself not to have an answer. I do not have to defend a philosophy or maintain an identity that promises certainty, I can simply exist, make mistakes, change my mind, and keep going. They want control, but I want freedom.

09 - Never Been Trusted

Remembering the creation of the Navigator and Traitor is an interesting event. I desired success and was willing to take the good with the evil, so I took a gamble because I was desperate for some semblance of prosperity. I cannot fault myself for this decision any longer. Who I was when I chose that path is gone.

There is no longer a need to punish that person for not knowing what I know now. The decision was made from desperation, not malice. Understanding that does not excuse what happened, but it allows me to finally look back without needing to hate myself for it. I can now rewrite my story.

10 - Noisy Blaring Thunder

As the most defining moment of my existence, I wage war against my own desperation, the two personas that have controlled me for years. The battle appears to be somewhat fair, but only one of us knows how one sided it truly is. I created an identity specifically to counter them. Thus, the misperceptions collapse when exposed to truth. The certainty vanishes when exposed to inconsistency. And the control fades when the desire is freedom.

Within time, the Navigator fades, the Traitor falls, and the “Nameless” surrenders… to me. There is no grand victory in destroying them, it just becomes quiet for the first time in a long time. They were never truly separate from me to begin with. They were ways I learned to survive, and now I no longer need to let them decide who I am. That’s up to me now.

11 - Second

I briefly pause and remember who I used to be long ago: someone surrounded by paradoxes and mystery who wielded an incredible drive to achieve, yet seemed to always fall just barely short. Stuck in second place, but only for a second. Someone who claimed to be good, but allowed that goodness to become corrupted. Someone who claimed to want connection, but refused to prioritize anyone over themselves. Someone who wanted the best for themselves, but believed their current self wasn’t good enough.

I used to be incredibly noble and well intentioned, but I succumbed to the harshness of the world and became someone I despise. Now that I know the truth, I can begin to change it. For the first time, looking backward does not feel like looking at a failure, it just feels like seeing the person underneath everything that happened afterward. And now that I authentically understand my past, I can authentically build who I am willing to be.

12 - Lightning

So I begin to chart forwards to define who I am going to be. I’ve been on a detour long enough, controlled by misperceptions, believed in absolutes, and desired incompatible things, but that changes today. There is uncertainty and complexity ahead, but it no longer feels like something I need to eliminate before I can move on. I can now exist within it.

This storm has ended, but I am not truly out of the clouds yet, the most imposing ones are still on the horizon. Every defining feature of my character was found in a storm until I chose to become someone else to escape that. I know where I thrive, I know how to find who I am, and I’m ready for some more chaos. This choice is a gamble, but it’s my only play.

Do I Need to Explain Myself? (Altered)

Before I can be truly free, I must defeat the root of the problem. Insecurity. The toughest opponent I have ever faced, I know this fight will be like nothing I have ever experienced, and I may never defeat it. But nothing else stands in my way now. So I put on the Arsenic Amulet and embrace the idea of doing things my way: by dredging through one last major internal storm.

Before I go, I embrace the messiness, uncertainty, and complexity. I become the “Nameless” one last time and put on the Arsenic Amulet. I do not let them take control, I am simply utilizing their strength. This battle is going to take everything I have, and I need to be prepared, lest I lose control again.

ARC 2

SERIES 4: Doubt

The Matador: Fueled by Intelligence

A battle between intelligence and insecurity alongside a memoir of adopting courage.

It is in this series and arc that the geography of the peninsula becomes relevant.

There’s a lot that can be said about the geography, but I’ll leave you to read about it in the story. Series 1-3 happen in The Plateau and River Valley, Series 4 in the Forest Basin, Sinking Steppe, and Plateau, and Series 5 is concentrated predominately in the Range of Fire and Shield Archipelago.

The Long Walk Alone

Some of us are called to walk a different, quieter path. Though it can be painful, frustrating, and demoralizing, or peaceful, productive, and revitalizing, remaining on this path for extended periods of time is a dangerous choice for your sanity. There is one more storm to battle before I can return to the external world: insecurity. I refuse to be trapped in this mind-prison, but for now I must stay and walk this road alone to get there.

I am travelling to the Forest Basin. The storm is most intense there. I’m not sure what I will uncover, but I must take the long walk there alone.

MUTUALLY ASSURED DIFFIDENCE

01 - I Go By Many Names

I reflect on everything that has happened thus far and am concerned for how many different statues of myself I have created. There is no consistent identity of myself. This is something I am determined to resolve. Only through being my actual self can I truly obtain what I desire.

I have spent so long trying to become the person I thought I needed to be that I no longer know what remains when those people are stripped away. The Navigator wanted one thing. The Traitor wanted another. The Nameless wanted nothing but freedom. All of them were built around something I believed I needed, but none of them were simply me.

The Alternate Self cycle must come to an end. Until I can manage that, there are still battles to fight.

02 - Matador

The introduction to the newest players in the game. I can see them battling in the distance. As I walk, I can see inscriptions in the trees. They were left by the Matador. They seem to represent intelligence and request that I assist them in their battle against the Ox, representing insecurity. I’m not sure how they knew I was here and that our interests would align, but regardless, this bison must be put to rest as soon as possible. It won’t be easy.

I have fought versions of myself before, but this feels different. The Traitor and Navigator could be argued with because they were ideas I had created. The Ox feels more primitive, it doesn’t feel like a part of me at all. They don’t need an argument to make me doubt myself, they only need to remind me of everything I already believe is wrong with me.

The Matador and I first have to reach each other. While on the road, the Ox and their Horde, representing doubt, could strike at any time.

03 - The King of Inconsistency

The idea of an “actual self” is an illusion. So long as you are experiencing and growing through life, you will never be static. There is nothing wrong with the Alternate Self cycle because of this. And for a moment, the argument feels convincing. After everything I have learned, why should I be afraid of changing? The Self I was years ago could not possibly be the same Self I am now. Maybe the problem was never becoming someone else, maybe the problem was simply choosing the wrong someone.

But this idea does not hold weight in the long run. Identities will form and change over time, however using that as an excuse to completely forgo integrity will only perpetuate the cycle of suffering you find yourself victim to. Because these alternative selves are not the result of true change, but rather compensations for your own feelings of inadequacy.

Portions of the Horde have found me already. Although they are not difficult to take down in isolation, the Ox now knows where I am.

04 - WDIW?

And I come to the overwhelming realization that I have no idea what I actually want from this life. As I try to determine this, insecurity ravages my headspace, trying to find a foothold whatever it can. And it succeeds. It throws a multitude of “reasons” to “justify” why I could never obtain anything I desire. It makes me question my own judgment, neglect my own self-worth, and idealize any way to set myself back.

After spending so long pursuing things because I believed they would make me whole, actually asking myself what I want feels strangely unfamiliar. The Navigator always had an answer. The Traitor always had an answer. Even the Nameless had an answer. Now that I am supposed to decide for myself, there is nothing left to hide behind.

The Ox has found me first. Our initial skirmish is rough and they quite easily get the upper hand, but I keep fighting.

05 - A Series of Requests

I sit in thought, setting insecurity aside as best as I can, and begin to identify my true desires. Some of these desires feel noble. Others feel selfish. Some contradict each other completely. I almost want to organize them into something coherent before I allow myself to accept them, but that instinct feels familiar. It is the same need for certainty that created the identities I am now trying to leave behind. As I continue to search further, the list grows larger, eventually leading to impossible demands. I’m not sure how to approach this. For now, I feel my purpose in life has returned as now I at least have an idea of what I am fighting for.

I begin to pick up on patterns in the Ox’s combat style, which results in me gaining an edge. Neither of us are close to winning, but I can now stand my ground against them.

06 - Owed Nothing

Reality slams me in the face and my purpose fades near instantly as I am reminded that despite how hard I fight and no matter how many internal battles I win, the world owes me nothing for my efforts. I knew this, somewhere beneath everything. I knew the world was never going to compensate me for finally understanding myself. I knew becoming better would not erase what I had done before. But knowing something intellectually is different from feeling it when I am already struggling to define who I am.

This is not a transaction, and even if it was, I don’t want what I deserve. Looking at my past, the actions I took are more than reprehensible, and my intentions now to set my course straight do not rid me of guilt or consequence. Besides, I’m not even trying to redeem myself, I’m just trying to retake control.

The Ox has called in the Horde to aid in their battle against me. The fight turns in their favor yet again as there is little I can do to hold off so many threats. I consider giving in and letting them overtake me.

07 - Fight or Flight or Fall

After waiting almost too long, intelligence finally makes a breakthrough that is reminiscent of my past selves. There are three choices I can make and I must try all three before deciding. I can either fight insecurity head-on, run away from it, or simply let it run its course.

The Matador has finally found me and begins to aid in the battle against the Ox and Horde. Initially, I fight alongside the Matador, rejuvenated by their presence. However, after fighting for so long, and the Ox having significantly degraded my morale, I don’t last long. Thus, I retreat, a move which the Matador is frustrated by but ultimately understands. This choice is a gamble, but it’s my only play. Unfortunately, the Horde follows me while the Matador holds off the Ox.

Being currently unable to defeat the Horde and being exhausted from the distance I have run, I surrender to them. Seemingly confused by my submission, they refuse to attack. I never imagined something like doubt desiring a fair fight. Regardless, I take advantage of their defiance and enter the reaches of my mind in order to work though the Ox’s mental burdens.

08 - A Solitudinal Paradox

First, I explore the internal struggle that led to the beginning of the Alternate Self cycle. My complicated and ever-changing relationship with people in general is paradoxical and endlessly frustrates my emotional well being.

I don’t know how to fix this. For years, not knowing how to fix something meant that I needed to find another way to control it. If something hurt, I buried it. If something confused me, I replaced it with an answer. If something made me feel inadequate, I became somebody who could no longer feel inadequate. This time, I refuse to do that. So I simply let it mean what it means and truly feel what it is saying. Instead of fighting or pushing away these emotions like I usually would, I take them in and allow them to linger in my mind.

09 - Modernity’s Curse

Next, I analyze my own perception of life. It seems like there is a curse upon the modern world that causes an endless amount of increasingly unfortunate events to occur. And I can see the frustration of the people around me alongside the greed and poor choices that perpetuate this curse.

This is an immensely complicated issue that I again don’t know how to fix. I just ensure that I am aware of my perspective and the broader implications of how this affects my own life. Pessimism and cynicism, even when earned, don’t solve the problem either. And quality of life has improved dramatically over the past few decades. Though I don’t know what to do about the problems, I simply let them sit.

10 - The “Justification”

While I dig further into the aspects and reasons regarding my insecurity, I come face to face with my own fragile self worth. It’s not something I have confronted in years because the Alternate Self cycle has repressed it. But I understand now why the cycle was so appealing. If I could always become someone better, I never had to remain the person who felt inadequate. The problem was never solved, it was simply worked around. Every identity gave me something to hide behind, and insecurity was always there underneath it all.

It concerns me deeply, but at least I get the full explanation out. I can finally begin debasing these insecurities now that I know exactly where they’re rooted.

The Matador and Ox continue to battle ruthlessly while I abstain. Despite being well versed in combat, even the Matador begins to struggle. I will need to return soon in order for either of us to stand a chance.

11 - In Memory of the Arsenic Amulet

As a final ode to my past selves, I bask in the glory of the Arsenic Amulet one last time. It has taken me very far, but it is time to put an end to this way of thinking. There is still a part of me that doesn’t want to let it go. It represents some of the strongest versions of myself I have ever known. The Navigator gave me purpose I now lack. The Traitor gave me strength I now lack. Even the Nameless gave me the perspective to acknowledge what they really were, something I am trying but struggling to do now. Destroying the Amulet means admitting that I cannot keep borrowing their identities whenever I become afraid of being myself. Regardless, however uncomfortable, I must truly confront my feelings of inadequacy in order to overcome them. Thus, I throw the Amulet to the ground and, with all the force I can muster, smash it to pieces with the Nameless’s sledgehammer.

It completely disintegrates, alongside the sledgehammer and armor. The Arsenic Amulet and its power is gone. The Nameless is replaced by the Self. The temptation of the Alternate Self cycle has vanished. My past now no longer controls me. My feelings of inadequacy no longer control me. Despite having no tools to do so, I am ready to return to battle.

12 - Piercing Eyes

Intelligence has another breakthrough. It has been researching philosophy endlessly, trying to find the one that could completely reshape my life for the better. But all it finds is contradiction after contradiction. Thus, there is no correct or universal philosophy, there are simply a multitude of varying ideas that worked for different people with dissimilar circumstances. Not that they are wrong, but these philosophies only worked for certain people in certain circumstances. I will need to create my own that works for me if I intend to find and advocate for myself.

I spent years searching for the philosophy that would finally explain why I kept failing. First I thought goodness could get me where I wanted to go. Then I thought selfishness could. Then I thought perhaps I simply needed to stop being anyone at all. Every answer eventually became another absolute, and every absolute eventually became another cage. If I want to be cageless, I have to stop creating absolute answers. I simply have to determine what works for me, regardless of whether it makes sense or not.

I stand up, having lost all of my weaponry, but I couldn’t possibly feel stronger. The Horde, having been watching and waiting, sees my readiness to fight. And I completely tear them to pieces.

13 - Methodology

And so, I embrace myself. I embrace my paradoxical nature this time without commitment, I embrace all of my strengths and weaknesses, and I embrace my past and future. I do not need to make every part of myself agree anymore. I can want contradictory things. I can change my mind. I can fail to understand myself completely. None of these things require me to construct another person who can handle them better than I can. There is still much work to do notwithstanding, I still must define what I actually stand for even without certainty, but now it is without the pressure of finding the correct way to do it. I simply need to do it my way.

I return to the Matador and Ox and find the Matador in bad shape, but still fighting. Together, with my newfound strength and the Matador’s replenished spirit from my presence, the Matador and I beat the Ox as hard as we possibly can, and in the process I manage to break off one of the Ox’s horns. After that, they flee.

14 - A Series of Apologies

I have made a lot of mistakes in my past and I can’t promise that I won’t continue to make these mistakes. However, now I can see them for what they are and can make efforts and changes. Still, the guilt of these past choices is not something I can simply keep on the table. I apologize for everything I can possibly think of to the people who need to hear it. It’s not something that I find comfort in, but it needs to happen.

My actions almost killed the Matador and I apologize endlessly for this. In a choice I don’t believe I deserve, they forgive me and inform me that the Ox will soon return, and we need to be prepared. I ask how.

15 - Panacea

Intelligence has its final breakthrough. If your life ever feels dull, depressing, overwhelming, frustrating, unfair, terrifying, etc. there is a solution to replenish your spirit: curiosity. I used to approach my own life as something I needed to solve. Every failure demanded an explanation, every contradiction demanded resolution, and every weakness demanded replacement. Curiosity asks for none of that. It allows me to encounter something without immediately deciding what it means or what I need to do about it.

Simply being curious about the world around you, the people in it, the systems in place, or even your own self will completely replace the negative ideas that surround your life. It is not always easy to implement, but simply being aware of the power curiosity holds and at least trying to utilize it is the most significant aspect to understand.

The Matador quickly takes me to their perch to display a sword buried inside a stone. They tell me that the blade is forged of obsidian, able to cut directly through the Ox’s skin, and that it symbolizes courage. When I ask them why they haven’t used it to take down the Ox, they respond by saying that they cannot find a way to remove the sword without damaging or destroying the blade, and that only a significant upwards force could accomplish such a feat, strength of which they do not possess. But I do.

16 - Alternate Self

I want to be somebody else and I don’t want the best for myself. I understand now that these are not separate thoughts; wanting to be somebody else is what made me believe my current self was the problem, and believing my current self was the problem made everything else easier to justify. I could sacrifice my values, abandon my relationships, chase impossible standards, and call all of it growth. This idea has plagued me for too long and has taken me years to become aware of it. Now that I understand where my insecurities lay, I can take direct measures to quell them for good.

In reality, my battle is not yet over, but the understanding I needed has now been provided. All that’s left is for me to utilize it, which will take time, but I am now no longer under the control of insecurity. I do not need to destroy every insecure thought for it to stop controlling me, I only need to stop treating every thought it gives me as an absolute answer.

At the worst possible time, the Ox returns. To buy time for me to pull the sword from the stone, the Matador engages the Ox and keeps him away. I muster all the strength I have within my bones and slowly pull the sword up while an overwhelming green light completely envelopes me. At last, the sword is free. Within my grasp, as the Matador said, is the power of courage. And after being shut for years, my eyes finally open, and I can see in the reflection of the blade that they are green as well. My fundamental existence is now rooted in courage. I am the Spirit.

But the moment does not last. I look up and see the Matador collapsed on the ground with the Ox standing nearby. My own life flashes before my eyes. Enraged, I lunge directly at the Ox in an instant. Our battle is fierce, but I have become significantly stronger and faster as a result of the blade and the motivation from the Matador. Soon, I slam the Ox against the side of a nearby mountain, drive the sword directly through their heart, and slice them completely in half. No more will the Ox terrorize this peninsula.

I return to the Matador and find them near death. There is nothing I can do to save them, and we give each other a glance symbolizing that we understand. Before passing, the Matador says one last thing: “Before long, you must return the sword, or else you will become it.”

17 - Spirited Anew

Having survived and thrived in the last major internal storm, I can’t help but feel victorious, despite the loss. The pillars of immersion in my own mind have crumbled and I now understand where I stand. For the first time, I am not carrying an identity that promises to solve my life for me. I am not the Navigator. I am not the Traitor. I am not the Nameless. I am simply myself, spirited anew, and for once that does not feel like a problem that needs to be fixed.

Having a new lease on life, I feel ready to return to the external world to obtain the desires I have been after all along. And I wholeheartedly believe that my struggles are now over. If only.

I give the Matador a proper burial atop their perch nearby the stone. They saved my life more than once and I will carry on their legacy. There is no Amulet they can give me, no piece of remembrance that I must wear in their honor. All they would want is for me to continue. As for the Ox, though I feel sorry for them, their death was necessary. To ensure they will never return, I set the body ablaze, leave the bones to the vultures, and spread their ashes across the steppe that they called home.

I take another look at the sword and see the Matador’s insignia engraved on it. It seems they deliberately placed the sword in the stone so that I would be forced to remove it and obtain its power, because the sword itself is clearly custom made by them. I don’t understand. All I can do is follow the Matador’s advice and return it eventually.

The clouds have cleared and the sun shines brighter than ever. And for once, I feel truly free. In a historic moment, I begin to trek towards the isthmus that connects this peninsula to the mainland. Where am I going? Back to rejoin the world. I spent years believing I needed to reach some distant version of myself before I could finally live. Now, I am walking forward as I am. This choice is no gamble.

Dwelling in Darkness (Altered)

These thoughts remain in your mind for some time. You know how to address them, but you allow yourself to sit in quiet and darkness while your mind stabilizes itself. Your internal world has mended, and you need to begin making true progress. So you allow yourself to think it through for some time.

SERIES 5: Valor

The Spirit: Fueled by Courage

A futile war against ego, a realization of impossible dreams, and a refusal to accept peace.

CARVED BY OBSIDIAN

01 - Granite Slate

This is a fresh start. This is where everything changes. The peninsula is empty and quiet, but it still exists. And unknown to the Spirit, things are happening beneath and above the surface. The slate is clear for now, but it soon won’t be. Good luck out there, Spirit. You’ll be back.

I have finally defeated all of my inner turmoil. I have returned to the world to engage with it fully, no longer partially, now that there is nothing holding me back. This is a fresh start. This is where everything changes.

For so long, every decision and every perspective had to survive an all-out warzone in my mind. Now there is simply the world in front of me and me alone to make my decisions within it. I almost don’t know what to do with that freedom. But I know who I am now.

02 - Silica-Rich

The world is strange, but I am used to that. I can see facts and patterns, but I cannot see human experience and context. I can’t stand the tribalism but have no choice but to participate or be left behind. The world is full of systems that I understand and full of people I don’t.

Confidence is an illusion, but one that you can manipulate to your benefit. There is no such thing as certainty, but systems can be created and controlled in one way or another.

However, that all being said, I will figure it out. It will take time and effort, but this is the last piece of the puzzle. I can’t be stopped now. This is where everything changes. I have solved harder problems than this. I am myself, I am capable, and that has to be enough.

03 - Pressure

The pressure to conform and forgo my individuality is strong. I can hold it back, but doing so does not solve the problem. It seems I either satisfy others and neglect myself, or satisfy myself and neglect others. This is unexpected and unideal.

I thought authenticity would make this simpler. Instead, it has made the contradiction impossible to ignore. I finally know that I cannot abandon myself for other people, but I also know what happened when I stopped caring about them entirely. I am caught between two lessons I learned the hard way, with no clear answer for how to reconcile them.

I don’t really know how to deal with this. I will keep searching for a practical middle ground, if it exists. Perhaps it’s possible I just haven’t found the right people yet. Maybe I should dedicate more time to searching and less to cultivating, if what exists here is already incompatible.

04 - Magma

I don’t get it. People don’t operate on logic, break their own rules and patterns, have feelings that contradict themselves, and needs that change at random. How the hell do relationships exist in the first place when none of it and nobody makes any rational sense?

I can understand why people behave irrationally because we are emotional creatures. What I cannot understand is how I am supposed to live alongside it without eventually losing myself again. I fought so hard to become authentic, and now authenticity seems to put me at odds with everyone around me. The possibility that being myself might simply mean being alone is becoming harder to ignore and easier to accept.

This is worse than I expected and not what I wanted. This is not worth my time. I knew it’d be difficult to swim through, but this liquid is too hot and too viscous.

Authenticity is supposed to be a filter, but if that is true, my authentic self appears to push everyone away. What am I supposed to do about that? Change is inauthentic. Not changing is counterproductive. I don’t want to settle for either. I can feel the old instinct returning: if something does not work, that being to find another way to make it work. Become someone else. But there is no one else to become. However I deal with this, there is no escape.

05 - Vestige

I’m done. The world and the people in it are too much to put up with for too little reward. The relationships I want fundamentally do not exist, thus I prefer solitude and logic. Maybe in my mind there exists a perspective that can help me tolerate this, but I must go searching for a while to find it. It’s not going to be out here.

I am frustrated with how quickly this freedom has become exhausting. I thought returning to the world would feel like finally being alive again. Instead, I feel like I have walked out of one prison and discovered that the outside world has its own walls, except I don’t know where they are, how tall they are, or how strong they are. The external world feels ultimately more confining than the internal world I left it for.

You may criticize me for this choice. But you don’t get it because you get it and I don’t. I won’t settle for less, and if less is the only option, then I’ll settle for what I have. I have suffered far too much for too long to be presented with scraps. And if telling you no leaves me purposeless, so be it. I’m going home. This choice is a gamble, but it’s my only play.

06 - Into The Mountains

I retreat inward again, but this time it feels different. Before, I went inward because the outside world was something I needed to escape. Now I am going inward because I genuinely want to understand what is happening. There must be something I missed here. I still believe I can find an answer, I just don’t yet realize how badly I want that answer to validate me instead of correct me.

It’s good to be home. But as familiar as it is, there are still areas left unexplored. I’m going to venture into the highlands of this peninsula and see what I find. Maybe a solution, maybe a problem, maybe both, maybe neither. At least it provides a consistent sense of purpose, for now.

At the same time, I don’t really want to be here again. This was supposed to be a fresh start. This was supposed to be where everything changed. But I’m right back where I started. And nothing has changed.

07 - Sunset

As I climb, I notice the light receding for the first time. The sun is setting and stars are appearing. In the distance, I can see the Oxen Field and the Forest Basin. Both are empty. The Ox and the Matador are dead because of me. The battle between the Navigator and Traitor feels like it was fought by an entirely different person. I don’t know what I’m going to do if my authentic self still isn’t enough.

The sunset is peaceful, but the fading light and warmth are discomforting. I don’t know how I will navigate without the sun. It’s too dark now.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. The things I had been chasing my entire life no longer exist. And even if they did, I’m completely incapable of obtaining them. My life means nothing, I have no purpose, and nothing makes any sense anymore. I’m hollowed out.

08 - A Ghost Emerges

As I reach the summit of one of the mountains, I can spot movement. Perhaps it’s birds, they do occupy the northern regions. But as I look closer, this is no bird. This is a… person. A strange looking person. I simply look calmly as it raises its eyes towards me. It looks uncanny, but after everything I’ve been through, I’m not afraid.

I didn’t know there was anything left alive on this peninsula. To be fair, I hadn’t fully explored it, but everything else had made themselves present. It feels strange to find something rather than it finding me.

We exchange looks for a short period of time before it gets up. It is pure muscle and has grown claws. Surprised, I take a step back and reach for my blade. But it sees this and moves fast, slams into me, and throws me off the mountain.

Evidently, I’m not done purging this peninsula of weakness. And this time, I have nothing to lose. If this Ghost wants a fight, it’s going to get one. Perhaps slaying it will solve my problems.

09 - Spirit Versus Ghost

I fly back up and manage to slice right through it. But its body just… reconnects? As I’m confused, the Ghost gets the upper hand. It’s skilled, it’s strong, and it’s a threat. I have to end it, regardless of if it benefits me, it’s either it or me.

I know better than I used to. That thought feels reasonable, even responsible. I have spent years learning from my mistakes, and I finally trust myself enough to act on what I know. But there is a difference between trusting myself and assuming that I cannot be wrong, and I do not notice when I can no longer see that difference.

We brawl, and while we are roughly equally matched, I can’t seem to even hurt the Ghost. I can slice it, stab it, and crush it, but it just immediately repairs itself. So I respond in kin: when it slices me with its claws, I immediately cauterize the wound with my own firebending.

I know I can’t keep this up. I have to find a way to end it. If I want to find some sort of peace in any regard, the Ghost’s existence will ensure that never happens.

10 - Eruption

Soon enough, I ignite myself out of pure rage. We fight ferociously, and the Hawk Volcano in the background even erupts during the fight, but neither of us pay it any attention. This is a fight to the death, whatever means necessary.

But the Ghost is smart. It manages to throw me into the water, immediately extinguishing me. It then holds me down, trying to drown me. I can’t reach my sword and I can’t get the Ghost off of me, so without options, I manage to reignite myself underwater, causing an explosion.

The Ghost is launched a distance away, but unharmed. Our battle resumes. I use every bit of strength I have, refusing to accept it is futile. This Ghost took everything from me. My purpose is now to end it, whatever means necessary.

I can feel myself becoming defensive again. Not because I am afraid of being hurt in the same way as before, but because I am afraid of losing everything I have learned. I have fought too hard to become myself just to let someone else convince me that I am wrong again, or that I lose control again.

11 - Flow

I… lose. I’ve never lost. But I can barely move, and the Ghost is completely unharmed. I extinguish myself and prepare to die with dignity, but the Ghost does nothing. It just stares, tilts its head, and then flies off.

Why didn’t it kill me? Is it even human? Were we both just defending ourselves? I don’t understand. But I don’t have time to dwell on it. I have to find a way to kill this thing before it changes its mind about killing me. So I start limping away.

This outcome equally infuriates and terrifies me. But if it refuses to kill me, at least I theoretically have infinite chances to kill it. Eventually, I will figure something out. I will reclaim control over this peninsula, no matter how long it takes.

I tell myself that this is courage. That I am finally refusing to disrespect myself. That I have spent enough of my life letting fear dictate my choices, and I will not return to that existence. The distinction between courage and stubbornness is becoming increasingly difficult to see.

12 - Consume

As I slowly make my way back and regain my strength, I can hear strange noises above me, but I can’t quite figure out what is making said noises. I know it’s the Ghost, but I don’t know what he’s doing. And then I notice stars disappearing.

The Ghost is somehow managing to consume the light of the stars. That’s why it didn’t kill me. It wants to consume me too, but only when I’m ablaze, just like the stars.

This… thing is the cause of why I went after The Shimmer all that time ago. This thing has been partially deciding what I desire this entire time and I had no idea. It has to die. The Ghost has been the biggest problem in my entire life and I didn’t even know it existed.

I know I am becoming more rigid, but rigidity feels preferable to uncertainty. Uncertainty was what allowed the old versions of me to take control. If I loosen my grip now, what stops me from becoming them again? I’ve lost everything already. I can’t lose the opportunity to change everything.

13 - A Martyr Descends

Something is not far above me. I know it’s the Ghost. I launch myself ready to attack, but quickly stop myself. It’s not the Ghost. It’s someone else, standing on ice, standing down. I remain ready to unsheath my blade, but I let it explain itself.

“I see you’re struggling with ego. I can help. I worked with the Matador.”

We’re on the same team. It’s about time I get another ally. And she’s a waterbender. Perhaps she knows how to take down the Ghost for good. Whatever it takes, I’m not afraid.

14 - You Must Make Peace

She starts explaining that the Ghost is unkillable and that I have to make peace with it for it to stop attacking me. It will always exist, but it doesn’t have to control. She insists that I stop worrying about the Ghost for now and simply rest.

She doesn’t get it. But she has to if she knows the Matador. This doesn’t make any sense, but it’s not like I have a choice. My initial approach didn’t work, so I may as well try hers. I start breathing slowly and rest.

It’s been so long since I’ve tried to be at peace. I’ve been fighting against things that have wanted to destroy me for as long as I can remember, even though I’m only in this position because of the decision I made to chase the Shimmer. There is so much blood on my hands, but at least I’ve never been the aggressor. I’ve come so far, maybe peace is the final destination.

15 - Rapid Cooling

The rest is peaceful. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to live like this. To fight the necessary battles, rest, and enjoy what I have. Perhaps this is where everything changes. I soon wake, and as I acclimate to my surroundings, I can see the Ghost stalking close by, and then it pounces. I’ve never been the aggressor, which means I don’t have a choice. I have to keep fighting until the aggressors are gone, or else peace isn’t an option.

I wake in a frenzy and grab my blade. It was a dream. The Martyr tries to reassure me, but I don’t listen. But then she brings up the Navigator and Traitor. She shouldn’t even know they exist.

She starts explaining that all of them, the Navigator, Traitor, Nameless, Matador, Spirit, even her, and even the Ox and Ghost are all just different parts of me. The Spirit is merely what I am representing myself as. But none of them are truly dead. And that the Ghost, while unkillable, is a permanent part of me, just like everyone else.

16 - Everything I Know Has Been A Lie

She asks me to settle down and process, but I am completely unable to process this. If they’re all part of me, what does that make me? What does that make everything I’ve done to become authentic and gain control over my life? And most of them are already dead. I watched all of them die. How could they still be a part of me? What is the point in trying to regain control over this peninsula if control is an illusion?

This doesn’t make any sense. I run from the Martyr. The stars above me still slowly disappear, one by one. The only way to end this conflict is to remove the source. It’s worked every other time without exception. The Martyr just does things differently, but my way works well too. I have no other option.

I have spent years wanting someone to understand me. Now someone does, and I find myself wanting them to stop. I have no choice but to trust myself. Everyone has been lying to me about everything. If they all still exist, then control is impossible, and everything I’ve believed in is a fantasy. I will not accept this. I cannot accept this. If control is truly an illusion, then I can manufacture it.

17 - Solidification

The Martyr finds me and tries to reassure me. I pretend to listen. She explains that I simply have to approach and make peace with the Ghost. It will still exist, it will still make decisions, but it won’t overwhelm. It’s the only possible form of peace.

I have no interest in compromises, though I say otherwise. We set off towards the Ghost, but I’m not going to do what she thinks or wants. I cannot live alongside the Ghost. One of us is going to die, even if it’s me. I will not live like this.

I understand now. Solitude and self prioritization are the only sustainable lifestyles. If I cannot control the world, then it can pull me in whatever direction it wants. I refuse to become a subordinate in my own life. Never again. If I cannot control myself, none of this matters.

18 - I Will Not Make Peace

As we approach the Ghost, still actively consuming stars, the Martyr tries to reassure me one last time. But as I near, I unsheath my blade and charge towards the Ghost. She is unable to stop me. I have made up my mind. This choice is a gamble, but it’s my only play.

So the Ghost and I battle yet again while the Martyr stays on the sidelines, still trying to convince me, but I don’t listen. I have nothing left to lose, not even my own life. I will not make peace with something that does not want the best for me.

The Ghost is the last obstacle in the way of pure self sustainability. Once I control this entire peninsula, my life becomes mine to shape. No external factors or imposed desires will dictate the course of my life ever again. It’s only resulted in tragedy. I would rather die than coexist with imperfection. I would rather die than forgo my authentic self one more time.

19 - Biting The Hand

The Ghost is much stronger. Consuming the stars has somehow made it stronger. I lose again and it again does not kill me. It then turns toward the Martyr. As much as I disagree with the Martyr, she is still an ally, and I can’t afford to lose her. So as the Ghost approaches, I muster my remaining strength and unleash it on the Ghost. I lose my sword in the process, but I manage to restrain the Ghost. Though in my mind, I just saved the Martyr, in hers, she just lost her opportunity to demonstrate peace can exist with the Ghost.

The Martyr picks up my sword and approaches us. I hold down the Ghost as much as I can and wait for the Martyr to strike. But instead of attacking the Ghost, she slices through the rope restraining it, and as I’m still trying to figure out what just happened, the Ghost flies away.

“I will help you, but I will not enable you.”

She is no longer an ally. I take my sword back. She keeps talking, but I don’t listen. I can’t listen. I lunge the blade towards her and pierce it right through her heart.

“You… will understand soon… I’m… sorry….”

The Martyr is dead.

20 - The Escape

I stare for a while at her corpse and think about my actions. I refuse peace but cannot pursue conquest. I refuse to live subjugated by the Ghost but cannot defeat it. And I just killed the only person trying to help me.

I have just done exactly what I spent years learning not to do: I found something that threatened my worldview and destroyed it instead of listening. Again. I want to believe she was wrong. I need her to have been wrong.

I have no identity to retreat into anymore. The Navigator is gone. The Traitor is gone. The Nameless is gone. The Spirit was supposed to be different, but now I can see how easily I turned that into another thing I needed to protect. For the first time since I began this journey, I don’t know what version of myself is supposed to save me.

I don’t know where to go from here. Every direction seems to demand that I become something I have already tried to become. Conquest would make me the Traitor. Submission would make me inauthentic. Peace feels just like reembracing the Navigator. I have spent so long believing there must be an answer that I am not prepared for the possibility that… there might not be one.

I climb to the southern plateau and stare out among the horizon and walled coast for a while. I then take my blade and prepare to end myself. If there’s nothing I can do about this, and I killed the only viable option, then I’ve already lost. There’s nothing left for me here.

But a glimmer catches my eye out on the horizon. A small, faint light emits a distance away. This is a fresh start. This changes everything. This would allow me to have myself and my light without the Ghost, even if it means I have to abandon the peninsula.

So I race to the forest basin and begin building a watercraft. I work as fast as I can, knowing the Ghost will soon come after me, even stronger than last time. Maybe I will understand if I leave the place where I keep becoming someone else. This choice is a gamble, but it’s my only play.

I set sail along the river. I just need to make it to the delta. But as I pass through The Pass, the Ghost attacks me. However, I have too much to lose now, and I just need to buy some time.

We battle as I defend the watercraft and try to keep up with it. The Ghost manages to do some damage, but I keep it afloat. Eventually, we make it to the delta. So I hit the Ghost as hard as I can, fly to the watercraft, and launch it into the open sea.

I made it. The peninsula slowly recedes as I enter open water. I see the Ghost watching before the darkness envelopes it. The peninsula will become its confines, but not mine. I begin repairing the watercraft. After that, I turn to the horizon and see nothing.

No. It has to be there. I climb to the top of the watercraft and still, nothing. I sit there for a moment and contemplate. I don’t know what I will do if it’s gone. That glimmer is my last bit of hope.

But I then look up and see the glimmer in the distance. This is the fresh start. This changes everything. I prepare the watercraft, adjust the sails, and sail off into the distance, leaving the peninsula behind.

If the world is chaos, and if my mind is a prison, I will work around both.

Clarity (Altered)

I understand now.

SERIES 6: Peace

The Martyr: Fueled by Peace

A series of attempts towards acceptance and the shedding of emotional burdens.

TBD